Dear Gena

Dear Gena

Life has gotten busy despite your absence. My social media accounts reflect simple moments in which I try to find joy. In those moments, I don’t feel it or at least I try not to. I try not to feel the sadness or pay attention to the grey dark cloud following me or the feeling of reaching for something that isn’t there. I feel stuck under that cloud and the rain that comes and goes.

Lately, I am more ok than not. But sometimes, however, I am triggered by a word someone said or a fleeting memory, and then like a flood it all rushes back to me. Crashing over me like a monsoon over a beach. Wiping out everything in front of it and I become paralyzed in memory of you. All of the feelings overtaking me and I relive every moment. I relive every moment of you! The good, the bad, the in-between. The tears, the laughter, what we once were, what we never were, especially what we are and what we could be.

There isn’t an hour that goes by where I don’t think about you. I wonder where you are, what you’re doing, what you’re eating and I hope it’s all enough. I can’t help but look around see that you are not here. You are not here for the lazy Sundays, for family Saturdays or even to watch our favorite tv shows. You are not here for our crazy target runs or dollar tree finds. Yet, I am still waiting. I am still waiting for you. I’m still trying to understand how you can walk away from everyone you love and be ok with it.

Things may not have been perfect, I am not perfect, but you were loved and you still are.

Love Mom,

PS. Love you forever, Like you for always

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