Category: Dear Talitha

Are you battling with the words that were said to you or of you? Words that hit so deep they cut inner parts of your soul and have left you questioning, rethinking, and reevaluating everything you thought you knew. Words that echo when no one is around?

I’ve heard them too. I heard them say, “It’s all your fault” “You didn’t do it the way I told you to.” ” You were too much” “You were not enough” “Why do you always have to be so honest?” “Liar!” “Give it time” “How could you give up” “You need to keep trying” ” You failed!!!!”

I don’t know who said these things to you. I don’t know who made you feel this way. Friend, I know these words hurt no matter who said them to you. I want to share with you what I have come to understand:

Those unedifying words hurt the most when we have already whispered them to ourselves!

Especially when we have done so over and over again. If we are anything alike, we have perhaps said these things to ourselves before hearing them said by someone else.

I whispered to myself over and over that I was a “failure and unwanted”. I said it to myself so much that I had made an agreement with myself that those words were true. I believed and agreed that it was true about me. I was “unwanted” I was a “failure”!

Then, someone spoke to them about me to me…..

And I was destroyed….

Has this ever been your experience?

Talitha, if this is you would you dare to venture with me to unmask the lies we have told ourselves? The lies that we once judged ourselves by? The lies that others have spoken and that we made agreements with?

The truth is these words only held weight and hurt because we have already judged ourselves according to those very words. As my very own judge and jury, I sentenced myself to years of mishandling my heart and mind space. Believing that I was undeserving of many things, isolating myself, pushing others away, all because I believed the words.

In my process, I began to ask myself why I believed these things to be true. Then it hit me, those words were lies!

Lies rooted in things I needed to process and work through. They weren’t truths.

The truth is we are more than enough, we were perfectly designed, we are a work in progress, and we are fully loved and seen but our Creator exactly as we are right now in this very moment as you read this. We are imperfectly perfect!

I pray that we see this reality and began to be impeccable with our words to ourselves. As a result, we will come to accept who we are. Then, in turn, we will be able to fully love ourselves and through this, we can discover the truth and we won’t believe the lie.

So, “Talitha Koum” my friend “Girl I say to you rise up”. You are royalty and don’t you forget it.

Take a deep breath with me.  

Smell the flowers….

Blow the candles….

It’s time to take that step forward. This next revolution around the sun is the RECLAIM. It’s time to reclaim those parts of yourself that were lost, stolen, and dead. It’s time for the take-back of your peace, your desire to dream, your joy, and all the things that make you imperfectly perfect. You are not done!

This season has felt dark, cold, and lonely. However, in the dark cold spaces is where the seed takes root. You see, the seed is in a state of dormancy before it is planted. It looks dead. But, inside the seed, there is an embryo waiting to be born. When it is watered, place at the right depth and temperature, what is inside will grow. It will grow in two directions one part of the embryo becomes the plant while the other part becomes the root.

Perhaps, this is what is happening. Perhaps, what needs to be brought out of you looks dead on the surface, but just requires water, depth, and the right temperature for growth. This season of planting and growing will eventually lead to the bloom/harvest. 

This process isn’t easy. It doesn’t feel good. It downright feels like death. It may feel endless and suffocating. It downright feels like death. But, when we think it’s the end it’s often the beginning. I know something beautiful is coming. You were meant to bloom, you were meant to be loved, you were meant to be cared for and appreciated.  

And so I ask,

What is inside of you that needs to be born?

So, “Talitha Koum” my friend “Girl I say to you rise up”. You are royalty and don’t you forget it. 

This may be the last time I write to you for now. It’s only because…..

I miss you beyond reason. I miss you beyond anything I’ve ever felt. For 7 months I have suffered in your absence without a word from you. For 7 months I’ve held my breathe and forgotten to be present. I’ve been lost along with you. I’ve been hiding in your story. My mind is always somewhere else.

Today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am mourning you. I never thought it possible to mourn someone who is still living. I am mourning the girl that was once was you. The one who sat at the top of the stairs when I came home and the one I tucked in every night. I am mourning the memories we were supposed to make. I am mourning the life I thought we would have.

But, part of the mourning/grieving processes is forgiving and letting go. So please forgive the broken parts of me that hurt the broken parts of you. I forgive you and I Love you. So, I release you butterfly go spread your wings. Hopefully, one day you will migrate back to me. One day hopefully you show me your beautiful wings. I’ll be here waiting but until then I have to breathe again…….

Love Mom

PS. Love you forever like you for always as long as I’m living my baby you will be.

• 

Talitha,

Are your eyes swollen from tears?

Does your head hurt?

Are you literally on edge?

Are you crying over the Broken crayons?

I know I have!

Sometimes when you’re coloring, even outside of the lines, crayons break. They break when we hold them too tightly, or when we have pressed too hard, especially when the paper has been ripped off leaving the crayons weak and exposed.

Sometimes life may feel like broken crayons.

The brokenness being the product of holding or being held too tightly, being pressed too hard in the wrong places, or being absolutely exposed and vulnerable.

The breaking may result in moments of behaviors we don’t understand, or behaviors we feel we can’t control.

The moments you find yourself reaching, suffocating, in a heaviness you can’t even describe. Moments when you look at the broken pieces and say “How did this even happen?”

So what do we do with broken crayons?

Well, guess what? Broken crayons still color! The pieces might be pieces but they haven’t lost their purpose. You, my dear, still have purpose.

As a teacher for more than a decade, I have learned to love the broken crayons. It’s the perfect tool for teaching children how to properly position their fingers for a better writing grasp. The repositioning of their grasp supports their ability to further develop their writing skills.

Coloring with broken crayons makes it very difficult for less mature or inefficient grasp patterns to exist. Their small size gives us no other choice but to hold them with our fingertips. Over time, our fingers become familiar with this grasp pattern.

You see when we allow the repositioning, the refocusing, for the better grasp, we invite the opportunity for growth. In this, we are given the opportunity for mature and sufficient patterns to begin to exist.

The broken moments in our lives should lead us to activate our faith. A faith that produces perseverance, and when we persevere we become mature and complete, not lacking anything!

“When it seems as though you are facing nothing but difficulties, see it as an invaluable opportunity to experience the greatest joy that you can! For you know that when your faith is tested it stirs up in you the power of endurance. And then as your endurance grows even stronger, it will release perfection into every part of your being until nothing is missing and nothing lacking.”
James 1:2-4 TPT

Talitha, it is ok to cry over the broken crayons.

In case you have not been told, it is ok not to be ok, sometimes.

So, when you are ready and even if you aren’t, pick up the broken crayons with your finger tips.

Color again……

even if outside of the lines!

Love Mom,

P.S. Love you forever, Like you for always

Today I want to let you know that it is ok to color outside of the lines.

Albert Einstein said, “You have to color outside the lines once in a while if you want to make your life a masterpiece.” When talking about coloring a masterpiece I think of art. I think about our life like a painting being created. I imagine the blank canvas, the colors, the brush, the easel, the pallet, and the artist. How or what would be created on this blank canvas? Is there an outline? A structure? Is it freehand is there a thought in mind?

What I do know to help me answer these questions is the difference between process art and product art. (Stick with me, I promise it will make sense!)

Process art is the method behind the creation and a way to explore art in an open-ended, unstructured way… Humans are naturally drawn to art. It is a form of expression as we explore materials and uncover possibilities. 

Product Art is about clear steps that should be followed. It has a specific outcome in mind. It expects the final product to look like the example. It has expectations around a right and wrong way to do it. 

As a teacher, it’s my philosophy that learning is all about the process. Learning happens in the space in-between not knowing and then knowing. The process of learning allows us to uncover possibilities and develop understanding. Those moments of trying, attempting, frustration, wrestling, and challenges are the greatest moments of growth. It’s in the process we learn most about ourselves. When my students are in the learning process, I provide them with strategies on how and when to ask for help when things get hard.

As a daughter, I want to uncover possibilities on my OWN. I believe in the process and love to explore my learning independently. I want to work through the process and learn while building my understanding. Asking for help isn’t an option I take often. Maybe it’s because I am headstrong. Maybe it’s my nature.

As a mother, I anticipate the product. I set a clear expectation that should be followed. I have a specific outcome in mind. All while expecting the final product to look like the example. Instead of allowing my children to learn through the process I have wanted to uncover the possibilities for them. When I see them struggling, I want to run and make it better even before they ask for help. In doing so, I get in the way of their learning process.

In my current place of process, I find myself in all 3 perspectives: Teacher, daughter, and mother. As a teacher I want to teach through the process, as a daughter I am exploring and uncovering, as a mother I am desiring to run to my child’s side.  

Is it Process or product?

Well, it’s both. Over the years I have learned to accept that, it is ok to give my children space to color outside of lines. Something beautiful happens when we engage in this practice. I know now that through this process, my daughter is more like me than I ever realized.

When I think about the canvas, I notice there are no lines only edges. The edges serve as boundaries, not limitations. There is no right or wrong way to paint on the canvas. There are only suggested techniques to help enhance the painting process. It’s an open-ended opportunity to mix colors, use your brush or fingers, or other tools. The best part is there are no mistakes only learning opportunities. If the paint falls or drips in the other direction it will still be beautiful. What I will advise is, that the process can be messy. I’m currently experiencing messy! Your hands may get dirty, you may even think about not finishing halfway through. That’s when it’s ok to ask for help and not give up. When you are finally done, step back, and look at the masterpiece. It will be even more beautiful than you could have predicted, only because the process was so much more.

God the creator saw a blank canvas and created you and me His favorite masterpiece. He doesn’t give up on us when things get messy. He sees us and is waiting for us to uncover the possibilities. He is in the process!

Love Mom,

P.S. Love you Forever, Like You for always.

I am writing this with hopes to reach the hearts of mothers and daughters everywhere. I am currently in the hardest season of my life. I am writing this from the liminal space. The space in which the process is taking place. My mother’s heart is aching. Yet, I feel that these letters will bring me clarity. My purpose is to navigate the intricate mother daughter relationship and embark on a journey of healing. We are constantly learning, growing and changing and so this is me offering myself grace. As a mother I don’t always get it right. As a daughter I don’t always get it right. These roles never came with a manual. Yet, we do the best we can with what we know. And, when we know better we do better. I accept the parts of me that haven’t been that pretty and I want to share that with you. Talitha, I pray that you can accept those things about yourself as well. Let’s heal together.

Love Mom

Ps. Love you forever, like you for always