Dear Gena

Dear Genesis,

One month later……..

A space that sings songs, writes words, and creates Beautiful.

There is a space that waits for you. A space that sings songs, writes words, and creates Beautiful.

Wherever you are, however you are I pray you are ok. I pray the space you are in is giving you a chance to breathe. I pray that you have a chance to reflect and discover some truths. In the space of your absence, I’m discovering those truths as well.

The biggest realization I’ve had is that you aren’t running from me, from your dad, your brother, your family, or your friends. I realized that perhaps the things we run from are truths that we aren’t ready to face.

You see I ran too.

I still run sometimes.

Not in the physical sense but mostly by avoiding, by withholding, in sleeping, and my biggest vice “self-isolation”! These are the habits I default to when, I can’t make sense of the space I’m in. This is why we are more alike than different. It’s ironic that “self-Isolation” is what I run to, but quality time is my love language. I know it’s yours too.

I know when I run from things (self-isolate) I feel in control. The ones that run do so, even if our hearts are breaking every single step of the way. To the runner, leaving poses no real risk. We just feel the urge to go, to self-preserve especially when nothing makes sense. Isolation feels safe because, facing the people that love us means, they will ask the hard questions. The questions we aren’t prepared to answer.

There is a false sense of comfort in running away or self-isolating from whatever is tearing up the heart space. We become comfortable with this self-inflicted but not externally imposed change. We become comfortable within this physical bubble of emotional security. Inside the bubble we don’t have to answer to people, explain or even deal with it. That’s easy, that’s familiar.

What is hard,
is actually staying.
What is challenging is investing.
What is scary is opening up yourself to a situation that’s not entirely within your control. Furthermore, doing so with no guarantee that it’s going to work out in your favor. What could be overwhelming is, building a life that you cannot escape from the second something goes wrong. Especially when every nerve inside your body flips into high alert.

Isolating when I’m in pain may feel comforting but, it doesn’t allow me to grow. The reality is when I step outside of my comfort zone the answers come. Peace comes in staying when impulses say to go. When I stop running and isolating something shifts. This is where my relationships deepen, healing happens, and I find people around me that hold me accountable. The people that make me reflect and look. The very same people that love you, that know us and that see you for all the incredible things you are. They see us! They see beyond our running and self-isolation and love us in-spite of it. They are waiting for you too.

Running away and isolating will only leave open wounds, create bitterness, and leave empty spaces. Empty space collect dust when unused. They sit and wait to be inhabited. They stand ready to be utilized. Quiet and unmoved. Your space awaits. The space you once sang songs, wrote words and created Beautiful!

Love Mom

P.S. Love You Forever, Like Your For Always

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